There are more broken resolutions in January than in Brittany Spears’ entire drug rehab history. People go from singing “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” to “Oops, I Did It Again” faster than it takes most Americans to say “I’m lovin’ it” at a McDonald’s drive-thru. And there’s a lot of love at the McDonald’s drive-thru!
All of these failed resolutions have helped me realize two of my biggest fears in life: failing at my goals and witnessing a successful presidential campaign by Mike Huckabee. Truth is, failure isn’t always a bad thing. But for me, failure to achieve my New Year’s resolutions is a scary proposition. Trying to change is hard. For that purpose I have decided to try something different this year. I’m going to take what I’ve learned in 2008 and compile a list of things that I WON’T resolve to do. So, like it or not, here it is. Tadd’s New Year’s Not-So-Resolutions of 2009.
1. I WON’T RESOLVE to go to bed late. I know it’s the popular thing to do in college, but I’m the kind of fish that likes to swim upstream.
2. I WON’T RESOLVE to spend my money like the United States government. And I’ll keep driving my Toyota.
3. I WON’T RESOLVE to be excited when Carlos Boozer petitions the U.S. government for a portion of the bailout money to support his family. I want to see his business plan!
4. I WON’T RESOLVE to eat Pasta Roni for three meals a day. They are always so luring at the grocery store, tempting me with their forever falling prices. I’ll put my foot down on aisle 14!
5. I WON’T RESOLVE to date facebook on Friday nights. I’m sure there are plenty of other somewhat-on-the-creepy-side people who will be gracious enough to do that for me.
6. I WON’T RESOLVE to have flabby arms and jell-o legs. (Insert Utah/jell-o joke here:______________________)
7. I WON’T RESOLVE to be a lying, backbiting, inactive, insensitive dirtbag. I’m treading new waters here.
And last but not least...
8. I WON’T RESOLVE to hold up the wall at church dances, cheer from the sidelines, and gamble away some of the best opportunities life has ever given me. Life is not a spectator sport!
There you go, my blogging friends. I hope that in some way this list has helped you find the inspiration you need to not commit to failing resolutions. Welcome to 2009!